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Weird Judy

Here are parodies of a few of my favorite St. Vincent songs:

WEIRD JUDY wonders: What if MASSEDUCTION was about cooking?

MASHED POTATOES

Black pepper, salty lady

Cookin’ crock pot sole

A punk chef romantic

Lumped on the kitchen floor

Buns in stress position

Smokin’ oregano

Onions are weeping

Bacon is beautiful

Mashed Potatoes

I can’t turn off the Frigidaire

Mashed Potatoes

Don’t turn off the Cuisinart

Mashed Potatoes

I hold you like a spatula

Mashed Potatoes

Don’t forget the chives and cream

Mashed Potatoes

I’ll slice you in the frying pan

Mashed Potatoes

WEIRD JUDY wonders: What if FEAR THE FUTURE was about medical issues?

FEAR THE SUTURE

When my spleen splits in two

Eye was eye, you were blue

Run for the loo

You’ve got the flu

When my wart chose to swell

And my arches both fell

I run for the loo

I’ve got it too

Come on, Doc

Cough up your answer

Come on, Doc

Take out my catheter

Oh sis, go barf over yonder

Come on, Doc

Just give me a bandage

I fear the suture

Then I stub my fat toe

Hole on top of my skull

Now I’ve got two, what can I do?

When the snot starts anew

Take my meds, hide my gloom

Nurse, get a clue, you’ll get it too

Rue for me too

WEIRD JUDY wonders—what if KROKODIL was about dentistry?

CROOKED SMILE

It’s hard to bite

With my Crooked Smile, ile, ile, ile

Never flossed my gums

Ate lots of sweets

Never had good hygiene

I’m scared of a root canal

For my bleeding teeth!

Oh, my overbite

Deep cavity, ty, ty, ty

Oh, my overbite

Orthodontist, tist, tist, tist

Spit out then you’ll drink

Damn nerves, damn Novocain

I never felt so numb

But I’ll mourn for the loss

Of my jagged teeth!

Oh, my cross bite

Sharp bicuspid, pid, pid, pid

Oh, my cross bite

Gingivitis, tis, tis, tis

Then my gums start to sting

Don’t worry they’ll feel so clean

Never had whitening

Shiny white crowns for

My crooked teeth!

I start to cry

I see your saber teeth, eeth, eeth, eeth

For now I know

You’re Dracula, la, la, la!

Oh!

WEIRD JUDY and the ANNIE CAN DANCE fan band wonder: What if CHEERLEADER was about liquor?

BEER DRINKER

I’ve had good brews

In some bad pubs

I’ve drank whole steins

That were half foam

Mixed your dark malt

With my pale ale

I’ve drank shots

Then barfed my pilsner

I don’t like the light beer you serve

So I poured the keg in the dirt

But I-I-I-I-I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

I-I-I-I-I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

I’ve swilled lager

When I wanted brandy

Tried Heineken

When I craved vodka

I’ve chugged Guinness

But I love champagne

I’ve seen breweries

With no pretzels

But I-I-I-I-I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

I-I-I-I-I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

It’s cabernet I deserve

And for bourbon I yearn

‘Cause I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

I don’t wanna be a brew guzzler no more

I don’t wanna be an actor out of work

I don’t wanna be a beer drinker no more

WEIRD JUDY and the ANNIE CAN DANCE fan band wonder: What if ACTOR OUT OF WORK was about ANNIE ERIN CLARK?

You wear high boots and throw your pick

You play cool guitars, we want them all

You like to laugh, are you obscene?

You failed at soccer, so you sing

Your Krokodil, does not swim

You’re Annie Erin Clark

It’s your birthday, that’s the truth

You sing better than Taylor Swift

You strum and croon then bite your lip

You shredded and flirted with Dua Lipa

We’re your fan band, don’t you know?

We always laugh with mouths of blood

We like your mercy, when it’s strange

We run down the highway, like psychopaths

We think we love you, we think we’re mad

We’re so happy, you didn’t marry John

We saw a fast slow disco, where they sweat

We think we love you, we think we’re mad

Happy 37th, AC!

WEIRD JUDY wonders: What if NEW YORK was about delicatessens?

NEW PORK

New Pork isn’t New Pork without mayo

Just go a few blocks for coleslaw

I’ll call for takeout potato salad

It’s the only braunschweiger in the city that I’ll eat

New lox wasn’t fresh lox, back to your lox

So much romaine salad with bleu cheese

We’ll order roast beef with provolone

Well it’s the only pumpernickel in the city I can stand

I’ll have Swiss on a hero, I’ll have knockwurst

But for you darling, I’ll get it with capers

I’ll have bagels with cream cheese, salami on rye

But for you darling, I’ll order bacon again

New Pork isn’t New Pork without mayo

Too few croutons left on my chef salad

So I’ll trade my liver for some liverwurst

Well it’s the only dill horseradish in the city that I’ll eat

Only tuna salad in the city that would

Only pepper jack cheese that would ever please me

I’ll have sausage on a hero, I’ll have mustard

But for you darling, I’ll get pastrami again

I’ll have a BLT, Gouda with pepperoni

But for you darling, I’ll get the whole schmear

WEIRD JUDY wonders: What if RATTLESNAKE was about desserts?

PUDDING CAKE

Follow the recipe for cinnamon rolls

Know anyone who makes root beer floats?

Where the blueberry pie is out of this world

I see the cake holes filled with jam

As if the chef decorated with apple pecan

Where the Crème Brule is out of this world

Mixing, mixing I’ll make lemon candy

Mixing, mixing will anyone thank me?

I’m a chowhound for banana nut bread

And I’m craving raspberry cheesecake

Where the buttercream torte is out of this world

I love strawberries and cream in a cup

Will that pudding give me a sugar rush?

Where the gingerbread cookies are out of this world

Baking, baking, baking red velvet cupcakes for me

Baking, baking not one but two peach muffins for me

Baking, baking, baking caramel apple crisp for me

Baking, baking, baking white wine fudge truffles for me

Mixing, mixing, mixing butterscotch toffee for me

Baking, baking, baking tiramisu for me

Mixing, mixing, mixing sangria gelato for me

Baking, baking, baking cream cheese pastries for me

WEIRD JUDY wonders: What if BRING ME YOUR LOVES was about cold weather?

BRING ME YOUR GLOVES

Bring me your gloves all your gloves your gloves

I wanna wear them too you know?

Bring me your socks all your socks your socks

I wanna save my toes you know?

Bring me brandy all your brandy your brandy

I wanna drink it too you know?

Bring me hot soup all your soup your soup

I wanna slurp it too you know?

I thought to wear galoshes

I thought to wear galoshes

But I froze my feet

Bring me your Uggs all your Uggs your Uggs

I wanna use them too you know?

Bring me snow shovels all your shovels your shovels

I wanna scoop it too you know?

Bring me your eggnog all your eggnog your eggnog

I wanna swill it too you know?

Bring me lamb’s wool all your wool your wool

I wanna snuggle too you know?

I took away your longies

I took away your longies

But I can’t no I can’t make you chill

Bring me your gloves

Bring me your gloves

We both have our sherpa coats

Fleece in my stocking cap

Bring me your cold skin all your skin your skin

I wanna warm you up you know?

Bring me your heat all your heat your heat

Oh, let’s keep this clean you know?

WEIRD JUDY wonders: What if HUEY NEWTON was about snacks?

FIG NEWTONS

Reeces, Pieces

Fake sugar, real cashews

Cookies, cupcakes

Cartons of cinnamon twists

Pleasure dot scrumptious dot Fig dot Newtons

It was a lovely, lovely peppermint

Cone-less, ice cream

Pie-less but got Bundt cake

Lime candy, Biscotti

Turned on by a sugar rush

So Bomb Pops, Bing cherries, Hail sopaipillas

It was a lovely, lovely Thin Mint

Assorted candies that shine

Of bagels and scones, you know, you know

Oh, our cream cheese pastries, your New York cheesecake

You know

Oh, perpetual munching, always terribly fattening, you know, you know

Oh, you got the pop with the fizz in the city of muffins, you know

Salt, salt, saltiest

Fudge for the fudge-less

Oh, plum, plum and plumper

Suckers for dinner

Copyright Judy Bruce and Hey Joood 2019

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